Mistakes

I've  made many mistakes in my life. Some hurt me, some hurt others and some of them were learning experiences.   Some of them, I regret.

I try to take life one day at a time.  I try to eliminate most stressors in my life so that I can just have a simple, calm life. 

But, there is always something or someone that interferes with this balanced calm life that I want so desperately.  Booze and Ex-Husbands!

First, I'd like to say that I have missed my blogging buddies. I know you are there for support and it helps me stay sober (most days). I did have 3 run-ins with alcohol since my last post. I will talk about these today because I'm trying to learn from those mistakes I've made and not regret them, although its tough! 

Life's been busy that's for sure. I'm trying to keep it balanced and focused on my running. I just finished a 16 km run and am hoping to go to Toronto for a half marathon in a couple of weeks. 

I had a few drinks with some co-workers upon my return to work. It was nice to hang out, laugh and have a few drinks, socially. They stayed for a couple hours, then they were gone. It was done. . Had dinner and felt great wasn't drunk or anything like that. Just felt good to unwind!    

Now, this night made my mind crazy. I thought  "hey, I can surely drink socially now. I know my limits. I just proved it to myself.". So, this is where I made my choice to my drink socially, no matter what. 

End of season at camp....got drunk with my good friend.  Had a blast until I puked in the garbage in front of my daughter at 1 AM in the morning. Yuck!  What happened to "I can handle and control the booze...so that I don't over do it.   Daughter was absolutely devastated. I felt like shit that night and passed out in her bed.  Felt like shit the next day too. 

Weekend after that one..thought I'd learned from my mistakes. I'll just have a couple. It was our last night at camp for the winter so it was a celebration slash sadness.  I don't like winter.  I love camp.  I made a fire and cracked open an ice cold beer. Ahhhhh!  Yes, it was relaxing, unwinding and....all the other shit that goes through our minds.   Had another within 10 minutes and I was off to my neighbours to invite them to my fire.  They came.  We opened a big bottle of red wine and I was, again sloshed by dinner time. I had no ability to make my kids food because I was getting sick in the bathroom...trying desperately to hide from my kids. My friend stayed to cook the burgers and I was able to eat with the kids after i got sick .  I had a snooze after dinner while the kids watched a movie and was okay for the rest of the night.  Wondered what the eff happened again.   Next day, kids said "Mom, you were drunk!  Stop drinking beer!  "

Oh boy, I knew I was in for a lot of grief, especially because they were going to be going to their daddy's and telling him all about our weekend.

So, where do I stand now!  I am embarrassed. I don't crave booze and really hate it.  I'm afraid that I disappointed some of you. I know I disappointed me and my kids.   Am I getting grief?  Oh yes....total harassment. 

Can I drink socially?   Hell no!   Do I want to?  Part of me still believes I can I guess?  I'll probably always believe I can.  I want to be able to just drink socially and have a couple without barfing.  But the other part, which learned from my last two drinking binges knows damn well that I can't. 

I know I don't like feeling like shit. I've still been focussing on my health and running.   I like feeling great so why the hell would I put myself in a situation where I want to drink?

I'm going through some tough times with the ex-hubby.   He's been harassing me, not only because I drank last week but because he blames only me for damaging this family  he told my kids that he wanted mommy back and that its all my fault that we are not a family   He told my 11 year old daughter that I went to rehab and that I am an alcoholic!  He is saying things to my children that they shouldn't be hearing at their ages.  ...and there's nothing I can do but stay sober, calm and balanced.  I will get counseling for them and for myself regarding this.  

I promised my children that I wouldn't drink anymore because I know that my actions have hurt them and now that their daddy is putting shit in their heads about me, it's even worse. 

So, all in all,  I quit drinking July 16 th and had 5 mishaps with alcohol. I consider this not too bad compared to my past experiences with the shit.  

I am not perfect but damn I'm trying hard here.   I really really don't want alcohol in my life anymore......ever again!   

Did I learn from my mistakes?  Yes!  I learned a heck of a lot!

I missed you guys!   

Any advice on where I go from here? 

Still running on sober!

Hello my blogging world. Ive missed you!  I'm sober and doing okay!  Had some struggles but pulled through. I've been so busy with work and kids and sports.

Gotta run!

Xo

Day 50 and blind date...

Thank you Cloe!  It was awesome to read that be been sober for 50 days out of the last 52!  I'm extremely proud of myself and I feel super dee duper!

I went out on a blind date, set up by a great friend.   It was a little awkward because I can tell that he wanted to order booze. I waited to see what he was going to order but he did the same. I just said that I wasn't drinking tonight and he could go ahead and have one.  He ordered a glass of water after I did like a real gentleman.  We spoke a lot. Something that set me off, that probably shouldn't have was the fact that he said he loves wine and makes his own, by the case. I love wine!  So, he'd be perfect for me right. Then when I asked if he liked to dance, he said only if he's drunk.  Typical answer from a man I suppose. I asked him another question and he said same reply.

The night left me with many questions of course.  I'm sure many of you are thinking what I'm thinking.
Who am I to make judgement on him because he likes booze?  Most people to like booze including myself. Limiting myself to dating men who don't like booze may keep me lonely for a very long time.

Part of me felt afraid and I even said that we'd have to open a bottle of red wine next time we met. But, I really didn't want to say that and heck, I know I didn't mean it!

Part of me wants to say I simply don't drink and prefer to have a non-boozing relationship with someone!  Part of me thinks I'll be okay if I have a couple here and there with him.

Friggen confusing this life of mine.  Any advice?

Sober

I'm just checking in to let my blogging friends know that I'm surviving my first week back to work, SOBER!  
I love being sober.  I seem to accomplish so much more.

I ran 13.4 KM tonight and I feel blessed to have the ability to run.  It's truly a gift and I'm so grateful that I have found the strength to pursue my goals to run a full marathon one day.  I know that with booze in my life, this would not be possible.  Booze made me tired and shitty and agitated.  Can't focus on my health with booze in my life so now it's gone.

I will register for a half marathon that will take place October 14th.  I feel like I will be ready and with this focus in my life, I'm sure to beat my alcohol cravings.

I find that focusing on something positive is helpful.   Setting goals without alcohol to distract you is helpful.

I'm not sure how many days it's been.  Haven't had time to calculate.  If anyone is bored you can do it for me and let me know k!  My quit date is July 16th.  I had two "cheat" days that must be deducted!  Thanks

My goal is to stay sober till July 16th, 2013!   One year!
Then, I'll go from there and decide my next steps!

Checking In

I made it through the night thanks to a couple of things. First, Colleen and our promise to stay sober for 30 days.  Next, my sister, who I know will check my blog to see how I made out.  Next, my son who wanted to snuggle last night and watch a movie with me.  Lastly, a book I've been reading called "Finding Ultra" by Rich Roll. This book is a story about an alcoholic who is discovering himself.


Great reading material for us that want to find the strength to follow our dreams!

Just letting you know that it was effin tough last night. There were many drinking campfires going on here and many of my friends wanted me over to drink with them. I see some disappointment in their eyes when I tell them that I really don't want to drink, especially when I do want it so badly.  I felt lonely and isolated and boring again. 

Then again, my neighbour is still in bed, noon here.  I wonder who feels better today?  ME!

Why Do We Have TougH Days?

I'm sitting here trying to convince myself not to drink today. I went to the grocery store and had to really convince myself not to get a little bottle of wine. It was tough.   I want to drink today ...really badly.   How can I have such a tough day today when I felt so great yesterday?  I don't understand!  I thought I was done with these huge cravings and needs to numb myself.

So Ive been really trying to understand my feelings and emotions and reasons why I want to drink.  First of all, it is the last long weekend of the summer. Well, at camp, everyone is pretty much on a binge. They are offering me booze daily and want me to drink with them, let loose and have fun!  I want that too.  I really do.
Also, my non-drinking friend I told you about left today. He lives so far from me and we've grown very close the past month. It's very depressing.  He was my rock around here. Now that he's gone and I may see him once in a while this winter, I feel there is no need to stay sober everyday. Just being honest with myself here. How crazy is that?  I want to stay sober but ...damn the but!

How do I fix the palpitating in my heart?  I know booze isn't the answer and I know that I've come a long long way and I know how great my body feels but damn it, I just need to relax   my mind.

I can't stand this feeling that I want a drink so bad.   I don't know how to shut it down!  I will try my best today.