So...What is the "Norm" Anyway?

A couple of weeks ago, my sister asked if she could come spend a couple of days with me at camp.  I was very eerie when I said yes because I've been sober and I didn't want to disappoint her.    My sister and I are like best buds and we're also drinking buds. I told her that I had quit drinking again but this time I felt different. I told her that I felt a new "me"... healthy and happy.  She told me that she wanted to quit smoking anyway so she wouldn't drink if she came up (she can't quit smoking and drink at the same time).
So it was a go.

She came up here on Saturday and we had a great time....went to the beach....read...played with the kids....had nice chats.
We were invited to a spaghetti dinner where all campers get together under a pavilion and socialize...eat ...and chat.   We brought our water bottles and enjoyed our meal.

When we got back to camp, we asked each other the same question.  Is it "normal" that people go to these functions, without alcohol?  Out of 75 people there, we only saw 1 person with a beer.  We came to the conclusion that if we had been drinking this weekend, we would have both showed up there, sloshed, with our little hidden containers of alcohol and wanting more and more.  We would have been loud and obnoxious to most people there.  We know because we did it last year at a different event here in the campground.

I thought it was normal that most people drank all day during the day around here. But it's not!   I thought I was part of the norm!   I'm not.    Most people here don't drink like I did.....start at noon...pass out at 5.  Wake up.  Drink more until 1 or 2 in the morning.  You know what I mean?  I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are people like that, but not most of them!
I'm in bed by 11PM now, sober, able to tuck my kids in, say prayers with them, thanking God for the good things in our lives.  That's normal!  That's who I want to be!  That's who I've become!

People who aren't alcoholics don't drink like I did.  They can leave it or take it when they want.    The people who are are easy to spot in the crowd are the ones that are drinking, loud and clear, obnoxious.
After all my years of drinking, I could only sit back and wonder who spotted me in the crowd and thought "There's an alcoholic".


I'm on Day 16 of sobriety.  I ran my first 6 K(in a long time) here two days ago and when I was running on this beautiful Island, I came upon a deer.  It brought tears to my eyes and helped me realize the beauty of God's creations are sent to me on a daily basis.  Now I can see them clearly.






To all my blogging support, the Internet was down for a few days so I haven't had a chance to post or read but I'll catch up.  Thanks for not giving up on me!  xo

Day 12! Breathe Jen ...Breathe

I woke up this morning from a rough night sleep. A friggen fly buzzed around my head for an hour, the kids frogs made noises in the aquarium outside and my daughter snores like crazy. We are at camp so we are all sleeping in a little space. I thought about blogging all night and a few other issues I'm dealing with...marriage and shit.
I woke up this morning with the goal to write a blog called 10 things I'm grateful for, when the phone rang.

Before I tell you who it was, let me give you a little history on my marriage. I was married for 10 years to a very negative, cocky man. It was his fault I drank so much for the last 10 years, so I thought. I saved money for the last 5 years of our marriage so I can leave him and buy a house for me and my kids. I was so hoping to move on with my life without him...so that I wouldn't drink so much! We separated for two years, and let me tell you I was extremely happy! I still drank of course so I stopped blaming my husband and came to a realization that it wasn't all his fault that I wanted to drink the problems away. We just got back together in March of this year. I told him I would try one more time for my kids sakes. Our separation was so tough on them and I felt so guilty for breaking up the family. Needless to say, I haven't loved him in a very long time.
So here I am...at a point in my life...in an unhappy marriage, wild children that are rude and out of control and sober on day 12...struggling each damn day to stay that way. We've been fighting for the last few days, hence reasons I've been wanting to drink so bad. I don't want to deal with the bullshit.
After two years of seperation, you'd figure he'd make the changes necessary for a better marriage and to be a better person, but he hasn't. Now I'm trapped.

The phone rings... It's the conveynor for the Soccer Association here in town. She asked my if I coached the game Monday night (I am the regular coach). I said no, my husband did. Why? She said that someone filed an incident report against the coach. She couldn't get into detail of course because there's going to be meetings to discuss this case etc...
If you all know me a little,I just about lost my marbles. The problem I have is I take on everyone else's problems and make them my own, then drink to forget about it all. I'm sitting here at camp, my hasband's at home ( the house I bought for me and my kids) and I can't discuss this with him because he's working till later on.

I know he's not my soulmate and there is someone else for me. This is just the icing on the cake. Being sober for almost two weeks has made me realize two things. I drink because of me...my problem, no one else's and I'm happy with the sober me. I also learned so much more reading so many great blogs.

I'm going to hit this marriage or future divorce straight on. I'm going to take care of me. I'm going to stay sober so that I can face and feel it and experience all the emotions of the roller coaster ride I'm heading for.

I am grateful for 10 things in my life. I will create a new post for that and challenge all of you to create the same post!

Thanks for letting me vent to you all!
Have a great sober day!


Jen

My Daughter

Oh boy!

 I have so much to say on this subject.  My daughter is a spitting image of her drunken mother...loud....hyper....wants to party....wants attention.....irresponsible (not that I'm always this way...sometimes when I'm drinking of course)..the list goes on and on!
For the past 10 years momma's been drinking and not paying attention to her daughter, who's been craving attention...loud and clear. It amazes me that a few days ago, I wrote a page on "Breaking the Cycle" where I talk about the relationship I had with my mom...I was crying for her attention....loud and clear too.  Only, she never heard my cries, even when I'd sleep in the closet at night out of terror.

Now that I've been sober, I've been stepping back, just observing the little things that my children do, when they don't know I'm watching.

I watch my daughter struggle with her friendships and it hurts me so deeply to see how her behavior with others is affecting her relationships and her self-esteem.  It's going to be so tough to help her see that the way she's been acting is unacceptable to most young girls.  How do I teach her to stay calm, cool and collected when all she knows is loud, fun, and excited? How do I teach her to be less bossy and allow her friends to make decisions during the day. She wants to be in control all the time, which pushes people away.  I want to help her grow into a confident young woman that is friendly and kind and compassionate. Right now, I've missed the boat on teaching her these skills.

Lately, when I try to help her see how she's been acting, she gets frustrated and wants nothing to hear on the subject.   For example, a girl she knows from school is very vain...all about me kinda girl....and she can't stand it when she act like that.  My daughter's been acting vain in front of a few little girls around here and there are a couple that do not want to play with her because of it. I compared her to the other little girl's behavior and she doesn't seem to understand how others see her.
She also has such a tough time when I say "no"...cries, whines, has hissy fits, says I'm mean..... I think I said yes a lot before because I didn't have the strength to fight with her.   I'd drink away the stress of it and not worry because I was happy with my buzz. I would just say " fuck it" and give her what she wanted, even though it wasn't always in her best interest.
Don't get me wrong, I've always made sure my kids were safe from harm, especially when I was drinking, just because I knew I couldn't drive or would have to ask a friend to bring me somewhere if needed.  I always knew my hubby was around to take over for me when I had a few too many.  I'm very and way too overprotective, which is probably not good for her either.

I'm gonna stop rambling on about her now but my point is, now that I've been sober for 10 days, it's so important for me to get this beautiful, talented little girl on the right path to a balanced "calm" life.    I need to break the alcoholic cycle before she discovers alcohol and becomes "me" as an adult.     I want to show her to fight battles and persevere to achieve success in any thing she does.

Kelly, when you read this when you're old enough, please know that you are my most precious baby girl. I love you with all my heart and I want you to be strong and confident!

Day 2 on this post....last night my daughter had a nightmare. She came to bed and snuggled with me. I held her tight in my arms for over an hour till she fell asleep again. It was a beautiful moment for me. One that I'll cherish forever. I think I needed it more than she did.

I'm taking you by the hand my precious little

girl.

I will never let you go.   

Believe in yourself and find your inner strength.

Live for today and make the best of it!

Life is beautiful.

Love mommy

CRAVINGS ARE OVERPOWERING ME!

I'm writing this post because I'm feeling defeated right now. Even though I haven't had a drink in 10 days, the cravings have been terrible for 24 hours now! I could sit here and blame my hubby, who's been driving me nuts or my children, who also have been haywire. I could sit here and pretend that the brand new bottle of red wine in my fridge is for my guest, when they come, but I know I'm fooling myself. I don't feel strong enough to not drink for the rest of my life. I wish I could just have 1 or2 and not want more but I know that's impossible.
I really don't know how to deal with the stress in my body caused by the people in my life and the urges to drink. I am on anti-depressants but they're just not doing the trick! I can't stop crying because the power calling me to have a nice cold glass of booze is extreme right now. I feel miserable with my poor children who don't get why I'm cranky. It's not really fair to them. I'm really surprised I haven't given into temptation, especially last night, after a spat with my hubby. He could be such an asshole!
Anyway, to my blogger friends who have passed day 10, you deserve a friggen medal. I'm sorry if I'll disappoint you very soon. If I do, I wish you the best of luck, full of health and happiness.
Jen




Okay! I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I just read many of your blogs for an hour and learned more about myself and reasons I don't want to drink. Thank God for blogs. Thank you. Your posts are saving my life. I'll stay sober today Day 10

Day 6 and Aware!

I woke up this morning and ran a 5 km run outside. It was amazing. I'm focusing on my health and feel great.
AWARENESS: I've learned a lot about myself in the last couple of "sober" days at camp. I think back to the last time I was here...crazy drunk...seemed like my life was so hectic and busy then. I would sneak off to my friends camp with a couple of beer then have 2 of hers...all this in half hour so my husband wouldn't worry about me and I could get back in time to make supper. I walked around with a "buzz" for three weeks straight. ...and beyond that. I thought everyone did that! That's the worst part about it. Now, being sober, I don't see people running from camp to camp drinking their faces off. I did meet a woman last night who was slurring her words and my daughter even asked me if she was drunk.
I don't want to be that woman again, who loses control of her body, her words, her mind! I love being aware of the little things around me...haven't been like that in a while.
Now I have to work on having a goodnight sleep. I'm use to crashing with a buzz. Now I hear the ticking of the clock, the creaking noises, the wind....been keeping me awake at night...never use to hear those things. If anyone has advice for me, I'll take it!
As for my triggers! I've read a lot of your blogs out there and I've come to realize that my hubby is a big trigger in my life. He's very uptight and stresses about little unimportant things and when he's like this I feel the tension in my body and usually would drink it away. I've been sober at camp for 2 days but he hasn't been here. He's coming in today. If anyone has advice for me on dealing with this trigger, I'll take it.
Have a great sober day!
Jen

Day 4

I'm at camp...sober...for the first time. I came in and was offered all kinds of booze. It is continuing and I'm sure it will be for a while tonight. My neighbour is extremely disappointed that I'm not drinking, thats for sure.
I'm having a tea and went for a run! (first one in a while). I feel good and will be grateful in the morning. I'm also very excited because my daughter noticed I wasn't drinking with everyone. I just told her I wasn't in the mood for now.....not sure where to go from that but I'm sure time will tell and words will come to mind. I'm grateful for your comments. They really give me strength knowing I'm not alone. I would love to talk to my husband but he would just say something like "here we go again". I don't feel much support from him. That's why I've chosen to start this blog.
I also want my kids to know that anything is possible, especially when they get older and face tough decisions in their lives.
Goodnight. Jen

Day 3

Argh! CRAVINGS WERE REALLY BAD TODAY!!! If anyone has tips on how to beat them, please let me know. It's tough when I want everyone to just back off and leave me alone. I feel so impatient My toughest time is between 3 and 5 PM when I'm getting dinner ready.
I haven't told anyone in my family that I've quit drinking. I guess I'm afraid to disappoint them, especially my sisters. We always drink together. my sister asked me to go to mom's this weekend and I said no...there's no way I'd make it through. I will be going to my camp though. That will be my toughest challenge so far. Camp life is drinking beer! Everyone around me does it from noon on...
I loved waking up though, feeling rested and good! I woke up at 6:30 AM and had 2 hours of peace before my kids got up! Usually I sleep in with them till 10 or so....so now I am grateful for waking up earlier and enjoying the sunshine!
Thank you for your comments to my posts. It truly inspires me to know that people are routing for me!
Goodnight. It's been an exhausting day. Sober day!

Day 2

Taking my kids to the movies!   I'll be back soon to post.
I'm back. Finally relaxing with a hot cup of tea! I feel extremely tired.
I need to get my butt to bed and see what tomorrow brings me.
As for my stress level....I'm trying to accept the daily stresses of life without resorting to alcohol to relieve the pressure in my body. It isn't easy. My hubby and 21 year old don't see eye to eye and their relationship brings a lot of tension into the home. My little girl is out of control....probably due to having a mom let her get away with a lot because I didn't have the energy to fight. I need to learn how to disciple her again and say no...and not worry about her hissy fit reactions.
I love you Kelly and promise to become the best mom ever...one that will give you confidence and teach you self-respect.
A big part of me is quitting for my children....I want them to know that anything is possible!
Goodnight! Jen

Day 1 "Again!"

Hello
I need to focus on this site for awhile and look for support. I have been at camp for almost 3 weeks and have had beer every day! I keep saying to myself "I deserve it". "I'm on holidays!". "I'll quit soon". "I can't do it! ". ...things an alcoholic says. I've been saying it for years!

I got drunk the other night at my friends camp ..don't remember going back to my camp or tucking in my kids or if I said anything to my hubby...all I know is I woke up in my bed and he was on the futon. My daughter told me the next day that I was drunk and it really bothers her when I act like that Yucky feeling mommy...again...

I want to be healthy and free! If anyone can help me please let me know. I'll keep you posted and redirect my thoughts to running in a marathon again. If I can remain focused on my health, I may have a shot.
I'll chat soon. Gonna tuck my kids in.
Jeannette
Sober today