I try to take life one day at a time. I try to eliminate most stressors in my life so that I can just have a simple, calm life.
But, there is always something or someone that interferes with this balanced calm life that I want so desperately. Booze and Ex-Husbands!
First, I'd like to say that I have missed my blogging buddies. I know you are there for support and it helps me stay sober (most days). I did have 3 run-ins with alcohol since my last post. I will talk about these today because I'm trying to learn from those mistakes I've made and not regret them, although its tough!
Life's been busy that's for sure. I'm trying to keep it balanced and focused on my running. I just finished a 16 km run and am hoping to go to Toronto for a half marathon in a couple of weeks.
I had a few drinks with some co-workers upon my return to work. It was nice to hang out, laugh and have a few drinks, socially. They stayed for a couple hours, then they were gone. It was done. . Had dinner and felt great wasn't drunk or anything like that. Just felt good to unwind!
Now, this night made my mind crazy. I thought "hey, I can surely drink socially now. I know my limits. I just proved it to myself.". So, this is where I made my choice to my drink socially, no matter what.
End of season at camp....got drunk with my good friend. Had a blast until I puked in the garbage in front of my daughter at 1 AM in the morning. Yuck! What happened to "I can handle and control the booze...so that I don't over do it. Daughter was absolutely devastated. I felt like shit that night and passed out in her bed. Felt like shit the next day too.
Weekend after that one..thought I'd learned from my mistakes. I'll just have a couple. It was our last night at camp for the winter so it was a celebration slash sadness. I don't like winter. I love camp. I made a fire and cracked open an ice cold beer. Ahhhhh! Yes, it was relaxing, unwinding and....all the other shit that goes through our minds. Had another within 10 minutes and I was off to my neighbours to invite them to my fire. They came. We opened a big bottle of red wine and I was, again sloshed by dinner time. I had no ability to make my kids food because I was getting sick in the bathroom...trying desperately to hide from my kids. My friend stayed to cook the burgers and I was able to eat with the kids after i got sick . I had a snooze after dinner while the kids watched a movie and was okay for the rest of the night. Wondered what the eff happened again. Next day, kids said "Mom, you were drunk! Stop drinking beer! "
Oh boy, I knew I was in for a lot of grief, especially because they were going to be going to their daddy's and telling him all about our weekend.
So, where do I stand now! I am embarrassed. I don't crave booze and really hate it. I'm afraid that I disappointed some of you. I know I disappointed me and my kids. Am I getting grief? Oh yes....total harassment.
Can I drink socially? Hell no! Do I want to? Part of me still believes I can I guess? I'll probably always believe I can. I want to be able to just drink socially and have a couple without barfing. But the other part, which learned from my last two drinking binges knows damn well that I can't.
I know I don't like feeling like shit. I've still been focussing on my health and running. I like feeling great so why the hell would I put myself in a situation where I want to drink?
I'm going through some tough times with the ex-hubby. He's been harassing me, not only because I drank last week but because he blames only me for damaging this family he told my kids that he wanted mommy back and that its all my fault that we are not a family He told my 11 year old daughter that I went to rehab and that I am an alcoholic! He is saying things to my children that they shouldn't be hearing at their ages. ...and there's nothing I can do but stay sober, calm and balanced. I will get counseling for them and for myself regarding this.
I promised my children that I wouldn't drink anymore because I know that my actions have hurt them and now that their daddy is putting shit in their heads about me, it's even worse.
So, all in all, I quit drinking July 16 th and had 5 mishaps with alcohol. I consider this not too bad compared to my past experiences with the shit.
I am not perfect but damn I'm trying hard here. I really really don't want alcohol in my life anymore......ever again!
Did I learn from my mistakes? Yes! I learned a heck of a lot!
I missed you guys!
Any advice on where I go from here?